Be Brave Enough to Suck at Something New

 Well, it's been literally YEARS since I've posted on this blog.  A lot has happened, while nothing has happened.  

The district I work in uprooted and redistricted students and staff -- it was hard, it was uncomfortable, and also beautiful and helpful.  I went to a building where I knew NO ONE -- I sat in the parking lot pulling a Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off (if you know you know).  Turns out I had found a home I didn't know I was missing.  I found a group of educators that I gel with, that really do believe in being a village and team.  There are so many DOMINATE personalities on this staff that it should create drama and fights -- but somehow everyone kind of respects the power.  

Covid hit.  We went home for spring break and didn't return.  

The following year we started remote and proceeded to have 5 full schedule changes through the year as covid variants showed up and CDC guidelines changed.

The year after that it should have been easier.  Things were "normal" with masks being mandatory.  Somehow that year was the HARDEST year I've ever had teaching.  Don't know if the toll of the prior year was still hanging on -- or if it was the collective burnout from society.... but it was an awful year. 

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This year.  This year feels different.  Most people aren't in masks, though I am, and Covid still requires 5 days at home -- but isn't causing ICU panic and terror.  

This year one of my schools popped a fifth section of kindergarten (normally we have 3) and art got kicked out of their room.  We are in a flexible learning space, which is WAAAAYY better than a cart, but way suckier than being in a room with a door and walls. 

I cried.

I was mad.

I asked a friend if their school needed an art teacher.  I was done. 

My second building assignment has changed almost every year for 5 years.  We beg every year to not move because the relationships we build are important and are hard to it build EVERY year.  Then we sit at beginning of the years kick off where all they talk about is connection and relationships.

I teach 7 classes a day without time between over 7 grade levels.  It's grueling. 

I love it. 

I love the kids. 

I love the mess.

I love the noise.

Loosing our classroom space was the final straw.  It was time to move on. 

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Then an old coworker from the middle school called me and asked if I might want to teach middle school.  

One room.

5 classes over 3 grade levels.

No traveling.

No sharing. 

Yes.  Yes I'll come to middle school.

So here I am.  A few years later where everything is different, but nothing is different.  My room still has the same carpet, the room is still full of noise and mess. The kids are older, but kinders are still kinders and fifth graders are still fifth graders.  

With lots of mixed emotion I'm closing the chapter on elementary school and jumping into middle school.  I can't wait to have a room I don't have to share.  Kids that I see EVERY day instead of once a week.  I'm excited to see how middle school is the same and different from elementary.  I'm excited for the spunk and sass and silliness of middle school kids.  I'm excited for all of it. 

Marigolds, Sunshine, Kittens, Rainbows

First off, I want to make something super clear -- I believe that keeping a positive outlook in a tough situation is needed.  It helps to keep you from feeling overwhelmed, keeps you task oriented, keeps you moving.

Now, in saying that - I'd also like to talk about the danger of always being Mrs./Mr. Sunshine and Rainbows.  Sometimes things suck. Sometimes things are terrible.  Sometimes things are sad. Sometimes things are hard.  It's okay to be overwhelmed, it's okay to be mad, sad, upset, annoyed, and frustrated.  It's how we keep ourselves safe, its how we learn to managed those feelings and emotions.

I've read an uptick in positivity articles these last few weeks.  Maybe they have always been there, maybe they always surface before a school year starts and I've just never noticed.  My district went through some shrinking pains last year, redistricting, shuffled teachers.  People are nervous and overwhelmed, so it may be due to that, that I've been more sensitive to these types of articles.  

Every article I've read has touted be positive, be a marigold, ride the energy bus, be sunshine and rainbows, be kittens, always smile, never yell......... in basic principle, I get it - and mostly agree (see above) but it also sends up red flags for me.  Being positive all the time doesn't solve problems, it ignores them.  

Feeling angry, upset, disgruntled, about a situation is not bad.  It's what you do with those feelings.  If all you do is sow more anger and frustration -- you aren't helping the situation or yourself.  However, if all you do is pretend that everything is hunky-dory -- you also aren't helping the situation or yourself.  (This is how people stay in unhealthy relationships - work and personal) 

Taking the angry, upset, disgruntled feelings and unpacking them is probably the most productive.  Are those feelings due to a long build up of local politics? -- Choose to be involved for change or let it go.  Are those feelings due to colleagues? -- Maybe less time in the staff lounge, switch committees.  Are those feelings due to managers/admin? -- Maybe talking to them -- or perhaps a new job -- or maybe acceptance of it and move on.  Is it the actual work? -- maybe it's time for a new job.

I wish some of the MANY articles I've read would talk about this.  It's impossible to be happy and positive all the time -- besides, it's not healthy or productive.  Again, I get the concept in general and as I said in the beginning, a positive outlook will often get you further in a tough situation -- but it's not going to solve your situation.  Pretending things are okay when they aren't, looking for the good when things are bad can be dangerous -- it's how people convince themselves to stay in unhealthy relationships.  Recognizing your feelings and understanding what is causing them and choosing what to do next is far healthier and productive.  

I wish the articles would acknowledge that it's okay to have things suck from time to time and to feel all those feelings and then decide what do to about it -- not just mask it with positivity.